Monday 11 February 2013

What are you looking at?


What are you looking at? Is probably the most pointless fucken question posed by someone when it's quite obvious you're looking at them.

This is the question that gets asked to  me, most often by women, who having taken what appears to be some considerable time in choosing the outfit that they are wearing to show as much of their body off as to be considered inappropriate in any situation bar perhaps a centrefold shoot for playboy; black label edition.

I mean really? If you've got your boobs basically hanging out, what the hell do you expect me to do? Not look? Please, I'm a man, that's what I’m programmed to look at. If that upsets you then don't put it in my face, or put some clothes on.

Now I'm aware that I have a face like a bashed crab which probably has something to do with it. If I was a pretty boy that spent every waking moment in the gym, spent an hour adjusting my hair before I left home; had teeth whitening treatment each week and generally focused all my attention on myself, I probably wouldn't notice anyway but that's the kind of guy that THAT girl wants to notice her. Work that out because I can't.

I once had an occasion I was walking along a high street in London in the early afternoon in summer. I noticed, as I always do, a woman walking along in what can only be described as a belt. She would have said it was a skirt but it was actually a belt. So anyway there she is walking one of those yappy, annoying little fucken dogs that you just want to kick up the ass really hard and wear it like a slipper. As I'm walking behind her taking in the view but at the same time trying not to look, she bends down to pick up the hairy little creature and there it is, staring me in the face, winking at me. It's beaver time. A bit odd I thought to myself, walking a dog on the high street with a tiny, barely there skirt and no panties bending down, I mean fuck. What the hell am I supposed to look at? She sees me and what does she say "What are you looking at?" Before I can fire off a quick retort like "Well I can see what you've had for lunch and gutted rabbit was on the menu." Or "Hey, nice beaver" she then continues and say's "Fucken pervert." Before walking away with her little mongrel under her arm.

Now I'm not massive on social etiquette but how am I the pervert in this situation? I had trousers and underpants on. Surely she wanted someone to see but it wasn't me.

This incident sparked an idea that I wanted to try. I was tired of being on the receiving end of THAT question.

I had a pair of trousers that had quite a large split at the crutch and even when I wore underwear you could actually see my balls. I think we can all agree that was never going to be a good look.

I'm in a shop getting some things and a woman actually comes up to me and says, out loud " Excuse me "Your trousers’ are split and I can see your ball bag." This was just the opportunity I'd been waiting for.

I looked her in the eye and said “Why are you looking down there anyway? Were you trying to see my junk? Filthy bitch."

The look on her face was priceless.

She looked just like the kind of princess that would use that line on guys like me. She stood there, mouth open with a total look of shock and no clue how to respond. I'm not even sure I could come up with something witty to say back to that.

Is there a lesson here? I'm not entirely sure and I've thought about it often.

Should we men be looking at women? Should we make it look like we're not looking? Does some of the blame for us looking lie with those that wear revealing clothing?

Now I'm sure there is going to be some asshole reading this that says yeah and next you're going to say that because a woman wears a short skirt she deserves to be raped but you can just fuck off right now. Let me say this loud and clear, NO woman deserves to be raped EVER!

The thing is that whether you believe in God or evolution it's irrelevant, we were given eyes for a reason, to look at things. As a man I feel compelled to look at the fairer sex and like it or not that is you ladies.

I'll apologise in advance if that offends you but please try to take it easy on me, after all, if I'm looking it means I think you are beautiful and that can't be all bad, right?

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